Are Family Historians Just Nosy?

My genie friend Paul Chiddicks (@chiddickstree) kicked off a thought-provoking Twitter conversation this week when he asked this question about documenting family history:

I have discovered a number of people recently that were married and never had children, when writing a narrative how do you approach the subject with compassion, sensitivity and no way of knowing why?

Paul is known for going beyond names, dates, and places in his genealogy. He tries to flesh out his ancestors with more detail and background on their stories, which is why he raised this question.

In the end, he tweeted that he would follow the suggestion of Derek and use this wording in his family history:

No children were found during this research - Simple, factual, sensitive, to the point and leaves the door open if needed.

How can we know why?

As a result of Paul's conversation on Twitter, I thought back to the couples in my family tree who had no children that I know of. Also I thought about the unmarried aunts and uncles and cousins in my tree--unmarried, so far as I know.

If we never knew these ancestors personally and no relatives living today knew them personally, is it possible to answer "why" in an intelligent way? 

Or would we be speculating, with the benefit of hindsight and through the lens of today's perspective in the absence of any documentation? 

Is an explanation even needed? 

Well, being a family historian, I guess I'm nosy. I always try to consider "why" an ancestor did something--left the old country, got married at an unexpected place or time, left a spouse, left a child, and so on. 

Family dynamics are affected by decisions like these, and I wish I could know "why." That's what I believe Paul was getting at with his question about married couples who have no children that he could find through research.

Will anyone care in the future?

The family historian for my Mom's side has spoken with me privately about sensitive "family stories" not able to be confirmed by a paper trail. I'm not telling any of the stories here, but one is exactly what Paul would want to know about couples on his family tree ;)

I talked with my sister about how to approach these topics. Here's what she said: 

Is it anybody else's business why some ancestor had no children or never married or got divorced? Would telling the reason (if passed down as a "family story") add anything important to the understanding of those ancestors today? Will anyone today or in the future actually care? And since none of this is provable, why bring it up? 

She and I don't have the same answers to her questions. However, we definitely agree that writing the stories down and putting them in my genealogy files is a good way to ensure that they aren't entirely lost...and will be available to my heirs in the future. 

I'll seal them in an envelope and mark them "sensitive family stories" and indicate the origin of each story, emphasizing that there is no way to know the truth today.

Perhaps my nosiness about family stories might be of interest to a future generation?! I won't be here to tell the story, but my notes will reveal what I was told, clearly marked as a "story" and not as fact.

About Family Secrets in a Genealogy Collection

If you're considering giving your genealogy collection (all or part) to a repository such as a museum, library, archive, or society, take a moment to consider any so-called family secrets in your files.

As I wrote in my previous post, there may be "secret" family stories not yet ready for prime time, because someone still living could be hurt if the info is made public. I'm not talking about DNA secrets or incidents of historical significance. I mean info dug up during a thorough genealogy research--info that could damage a living person's reputation or cause harm in some other way.

My approach has been to keep the secret but slip the story into my files, to be inherited years in the future by my family heirs. This keeps the story from being entirely lost to the family but also keeps it from being made public for a while. IMHO, my level-headed family heirs can reconsider the situation in the far future and determine next steps.

Donating a collection? Plan ahead

However, what if the secret is in a genealogy collection that will be donated to repository such as an archive, a library, a museum, or a historical or genealogical society? Plan ahead. 

In a Twitter conversation with professional genealogist Melissa Barker (aka The Archive Lady), I learned that the donor and the repository should discuss this in advance and come to an agreement formalized in a deed of gift. That's the legal document in which someone formally transfers ownership of a family-history collection to the repository.

Putting everything in writing ensures that both parties clearly understand what will happen to the secret. Will that info be kept private forever or for a specified period? Will it be made available to in-person researchers or for specific purposes? Should the secret even be included with the donated collection? Discuss and decide before finalizing the donation.

For more about deeds of gift, see this informative page on the Society of American Archivists website.

Reader's comments

Here are excerpts from reader comments on my previous post about secrets. I appreciate that these folks took the time to share their thoughts.

One reader commented: "Consider carefully if you should commit a secret to writing at all. If the secret has the potential to be very harmful, keep it to yourself! Otherwise, write it down and go on with life."

Reader Debi commented, referring to minor family secrets: "I have not written about them (all parties deceased) and assume anyone researching could find the same information for themselves."

Reader Sandy commented: "It's not often that we look forward in this hobby. I suppose these days people are so used to putting things online they're not worried?"

Pssst! What Happens to Family History Secrets?

 

Every family's history includes a personal secret. 

Maybe it's a "secret" in the sense that ancestors never spoke of it: someone committed a serious crime in the past, someone had an affair, someone was pregnant before marriage or outside of marriage, someone died of a disease considered shameful at the time...the list goes on and on. 

Document but don't disclose? 

If the secret could be very hurtful or even damaging to someone still living, I choose not to disclose. I don't say anything in public (info is not posted on family trees, not included in family genealogies, not on my blog, not mentioned in talks). 

Instead, I document what I've learned and then leave the explanation in my files.

Why? Although I don't want to hurt someone still living, I also want that discovery to not be lost forever. By keeping it in my files, I'm allowing it to be rediscovered by the relative who will eventually inherit my genealogical materials. (Assuming the relative opens the files and reads the contents!)

It's likely that after a number of years, the secret will no longer be as hurtful or damaging because the people involved will have joined their ancestors, too.

Of course, if a secret has particular historical significance, that's an entirely different matter. Similarly, if the secret involves DNA and "NPE" (not parent expected), that also changes the situation. My ancestors didn't have those kinds of secrets--not that I know of, anyway.

Planning for a future for family history secrets

What happens to a family history secret in the event our genealogical files wind up in an archive, a library, a museum, or some other repository? In other words, the secret and its documentation would be out of family hands, if left within the files.

This is an issue to consider when planning for the future of our genealogical research and materials.

I'm going to ask several archivists what they think, and then write another blog post about their responses.

Meantime, my impulse is to let the secret stay in the file, along with a note requesting that the details not be publicly disclosed before a certain date (five or 10 years, for instance). 

What do you think, dear readers? Please add your thoughts in a comment. TY!